his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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