No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
