She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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