I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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