I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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