Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
