Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He did a backflip because drugs
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
