If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
