I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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