I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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