Cold hands, warm shart.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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