he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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