Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
