The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
