My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
