She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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