The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
