where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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