if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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