he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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