I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I touched a dick in church today
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
