got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
