do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
