Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
