well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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