My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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