All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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