So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
