I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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