I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
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you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
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His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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