Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
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