You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
