I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
