do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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