No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
