I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
