I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
