i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
