i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
