dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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