I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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