remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
