Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
