I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
