My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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