Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
