Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
