Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
