This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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