How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
