anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
