I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
