between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
