he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
