How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
