I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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