have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Ladies don't puke and tell
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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