There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
