It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
