just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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