I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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