At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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